They placed the boys in my arms and then moved us up to mom and baby. Right as we got into the room I started feeling pain, like I was back in the delivery room with severe contractions. I could feel a gush of blood with each surge of pain. I told the nurses I was experiencing pain and what felt like bleeding, they didn’t hear right away cause they were in the middle of the hand off, then another came on as soon as the other ended, then another right away and that’s when they took back the blanket and saw blood everywhere. They instantly grabbed the boys and put them in their bassinets, laid me back and started pushing on my stomach. This was so painful and every time they pushed on my stomach blood shot out. I made eye contact with Jeff and could feel the agony in his eyes as he watched helplessly. It hurt my heart. The room started filling with nurses giving me shots, checking vitals, and all working on me. Then a doctor had his hands in my body checking to find where the bleeding was happening. A couple minutes after searching for the bleed with no luck, the doctor told them to take me to the OR and to call my doctor stat. I was terrified. I thought I was in the clear, and here I was living my dream/nightmare. They started moving my bed out when I asked if I could give my husband a kiss, I was so scared and I didn’t want to leave this earth without telling him I loved him and kissing him one last time. Jeff said, “No, I’m coming!” So the sweet mom + baby nurses stayed with the babies while we headed down to the OR… next post!
This picture was taken right before they wheeled me up, this picture could have been my last picture here 
it makes me cry just thinking about it.
Birth story continued…
I’m not scared to die, I never have been. Death itself isn’t scary to me. What “scared” me about dying, was just knowing I wouldn’t be here for Jeff and my children. I’m the FOMO type, and I never want to miss out on anything, especially when it comes to family. The idea of leaving Jeff to raise our 4 kids 3 and under was 
. As they wheeled me to the OR my mind replayed the dream and then to highlights of the life I’ve lived. I had an out of body view of everything as I tried to process what was happening. We got to the OR doors and Jeff couldn’t come back. They kept wheeling me and told him he could go sit in the room we had labored in. I didn’t get my kiss it was all so fast.
Once in the OR there were doctors & nurses everywhere doing all their prep work. Then the anesthesiologist gave me a spinal epidural for what was going to happen next. My angel nurses held me as he put the epidural in, then they laid me down and I waited. I was numb from chest down, like a C-Section. This was all happening in the middle of a shift change, but my sweet nurses who had been laboring & delivered me stayed the whole time.
The doctors started the process to find the bleed and stop it. My doctor had her hands inside my body, another had an ultrasound pushed to my stomach, & another was applying pressure to different areas to find what was happening. I was freezing, my body had already experienced so much trauma and was experiencing some shock and I could not stop shaking shivering, so the anesthesiologist (he was the new doctor on the shift change and I actually had him with my girls and had a great experience last time) he got me a warm blanket and reassured me everything was going to be okay. He told me to let him know if I wanted to be put completely under at any time. He was an angel in this scary experience.
The doctors inserted some kind of balloon thing to hold the bleed. After over an hour of trying to find the problem, all the doctors and nurses stopped to regroup. They all gathered out of sight and I was left on the table numb, waiting…
This part of the story wasn’t photographed, so here’s me feeling grateful 4weeks post! TBC…
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